The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

today was a great one another one for the many of late.....i was signed as a full partner with pump house productions.....i am now to be the one organizeing and hosting the alternative rave circut in my area....woot woot ...seriously i was half expecting it ...but i guess i leave a good impression on dj's and production groups..giggles...this is my dream job people..i am so damn happy i was dancing a min ago...

come on you know u want to dance with me......

i need to cuddle and celebrate my new found position...giggles

i am lost to this world,

to be forever in pain,

i want to end it all.



is there hope,

i cut deep to see if there is,

i see my blood so red,

and want to see more of it.



will it end the pain?

no i think not though it make me feel release.

i need to find strength,

to find solice in the arms of the one i care for.



such sorrow and suffering to be had,

no release left but the end,

no one there to stop me,

no one to take it all away.



no one but death............bang....its done.

i have been very confused of late as i have been in search of my ofther half..we were speperated for many years now and ..just recently have rekindled this love.

i am sure we are to be together as we were years ago...though we must work for our love now...and keep it a secret somewhat.

my dear luguile i am honord you have returned to me...though i am sure it will break many hearts at our reunion...

i am in need of rescue from myself..as over the last bit i have become somewhat dangerous to myself.

i feel self destrutive..like everything i do only bring me further down..i know i am to find my other half and i have..

and i know i had to go through must suffering and pian and bodily harm to get to that point..

have i not sufferd enough my father?

have i not done as you wish in the past.?

have i not been a loyal child...

i deserve to be held high and worshiped by the one i love. and to be loved unconditionally.

to be their only ..i see only the darkness at the end of the tunnel..there seems to be not much light in my future..

i lite a candle to try and see my way but the wind of suffering just blows it out.

today is a good day though i have just had a bad feeling so i needed to vent more.

i am totaly in love and want to shout it out loud but am being restrained ...i understand the reasons fully as it would only cause pain and frustration..to hide it in the shadows makes me sad but i will continue to do so.

i fell alone in my frustration and sorrow though i know he is always there..why me..do i have to always be the one tossed aside ?

to be censored..i have come to realize i am also one to easily forget..as i have been forgotten lots of late.

i try and be me and nothing more but it gets me no where. i hate being pushed away and forgotten but its my nature...my true calling is to bring suffering and pian and nothing more.

i am a truely loveing person and so want to share it..but alas i am once again hinderd...one day i hope to be free of that..to not be pushed away or forgotten all together.

now dont get me wrong i am a very strong person and have many flaws..but LOVE...this is my weekness and i am truely hopeing it will not be my downfall and total annialation.

i am so torn with being loved and loveing..wow this is a vent and a half..so much has been building up and i fel like i am going to go insane and do things i will regret...oh damnit such things draw out my past and worrie me.

ALL I WANT IS TO BE HUGED AND HAVE SOME ONE WHISPER IN MY EAR I LOVE YOU ALWAYS

and actually mean it...kisses

ok so here i shall place my nightmare to try and get them away from me.



my dreams are haunted by the past..the things i have seen and done or had done to me.

i was not the nicest person to all and it bite me in the ass.

when i was very young i saw someone shot in the head...this effected me greatly..then i was ...forced shall we say as i hate the other word for it..to have sex with someone i thought cared about me..i have been hurt by all thoose i have trusted except a select few..for this i am not a trusting person..as well as through all the pain and suffering i have gone through has hardend me to emotion..though when i do get hurt it makes me emo..

this pisses me off as i only get down on myself.

i only want to know what unconditional love is from someone other then my kids.

i want to know that there are those out ther who do not rape my emotion adn leave me to die in my own shadows.

is that alot to ask?

is there ever an answer to my queries?

i only hope to let the one i love now to open me up and allow me to just be myself.

well i would have to say that today is a mix of fucked up shit..happy as i signed a contract with pump house productions for the vampire rave full moon mascarade..but also i have rehased my past and it has stired up many things i though were left in the past..



damn it at time i muct say i am very frustrated that i am so alone in my own world.

to not have someone who shares in my feelings ..someone to vent to.

well this is my venting area so please forgive my rants.

i have found someone i care for deeply and want to share all with him..though so much of my past is painful..and now i am sad as i have thought about it and now it is back to haunt me more.

what do i do? what can i say?

there is only pain..and i think there is no way i will ever be anything but alone in my misery.

to day i was getting ready to sign on to my second computer as the other is slower and when at work i dont like to miss much on vr so i have the other one there.

i found i could not sign on when yesterday i could...well i guess someone went into the computer and set the privacy setting to max..this blocks out all site access...i found this after an hour of stressing out and thinking my kick ass work computer was crapping out on me.

god did i feel stupid when i found out it was as simple as changing a setting on the computer.

needless to say i have marked it to never change sttings again..